First of all, I just want to say Alhamdulillah for today. We finished our Mid Semester Exam, consist of written paper and OSCE for short postings. To cut it short, today, it was my worst OSCE ever. I had this sick feeling when I answer the questions. Even from the first station. I think this is what they called mental block. I heard it before, but Alhamdulillah, I never experience it before. I thought it is only an excuse for someone who doesn't read much for the exam.
Hmmm...
Almost all the question I had predicted to come out, and I read about it. For example forensic station, but somehow, I become scared when I see the questions. I lost all the words. Same goes with my psychiatry station where I were given case of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I did seminar and present on this topic to my class, and by right, I should've known the whole symptoms in and out. SEIGCAPS, how hard can it be? But during the clerking session at the station, the mnemonic doesn't come out from my mind. As if I left it somewhere else. It doesn't come out at all!!! I thought about SAD PERSON, which is to elicit Suicide symptoms. Of course, it is wrong...!
I tried to read Subhanamanla yanaamu wala yas hu (Maha suci Allah yang tidak pernah tidur dan lupa).. many times. Usually it helps me a lot when I forget anything during exams, and it has help me a lot. But sadly not this time.
Worst is after that, is my 2 station of Ophthal. We have to do fundoscopy. I really admit this one, I do not practiced much and I am very ashamed by my self. I thought I already knew, but I don't. When they ask about management of Diabetic Retinopathy, I should answer control blood sugar level first, but I said pan photocoagulation first. T_T Then, the examiner ask me back " Don't you think you want to control the blood sugar level too?" Ya Allah, how can I forget about that.
Really, I don't know what is wrong with me that day. Maybe because I didn't sleep at all last night? I used to stay up during exam, but maybe I shouldn't. The next station is Visual Acuity(VA), which is my bread and butter. I like to help in the clinic doing VA on all patients, and most of the staff knew that I can do VA well. But somehow, I just cannot perform today. The examiner, also the staff that present in the clinic before, also surprise and try to calm me. They said I look very scared. (I'm DYING since forensic Q!).
I feel, so bad. Like all of my body is decomposing. My brain is liquefying, my lung is collapsed, my heart can barely beat. I feel like crying after the exam.
To make things even worst, we have session with all 4 postings lecturer, and they give comments ad feed backs on our performance. It was like having a lightening struck over and over to your head, being stabbed straight to your heart so many times by their words. Hearing that they are disappointed with us, I become like ashes....
I couldn't move at all. Also, I got the lowest on ENT questions. Total marks for 2 station is 40, maybe passing mark was 20, but I got 19.5. You may think that is only a border line fail, but most of my friends scored 40, full mark on ENT. Which make me think, I am the most stupid among them. Of course they also announce the worst mark on forensic and other posting too. They also mention who got the best mark and the best technique.
Well, I guess what I learn from today horrible experience is, we need to practice. Reading and storing all the knowledge in the head, won't be any use if you hadn't practice them. Practice 100x...!!!! Practice by saying it out loud, to make it fluence during examination. Because for medical student, most of the exam is oral examination or VIVA VOCE types (long case, short case etc). Only few writen paper, like SAQ, MEQ, MCQ.
Hmm..
My friends also saw my pale face after all the lecturer had gone back, and most of the student started to leave the hall. I still can't stood up. Feels like my soul is not in my body anymore. I become frozen for few moment. My friend even offer to drive me home knowing that I will be driving back home after this. Somehow, I feel like I can't even drive, if I do, I probably would got into an accident.
But, I get some rest first and sleep for 1 hour and drive like usual. But my appetite still poor. I hadn't eat anything since this morning. I'm hungry, but when I look at the food, I become nauseated. huhu.. I do feel like shooting my self i the head right now.
You probably think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I hope this feeling will go away... Or else I'll be diagnosed with Major Depressive Episode.
Probably because of my sins to Allah previously. Allah may want to tell me something, maybe not to be too overconfidence and be humble to my self. Ya Allah, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. I'm so sorry to all my lecturers who was disappointed with me.
T__T
Of course suicide is not permissible in Islam.. (An-Nisa':29)
Wallahualam.
